Špatný den v Praze...

This shall be a post without pictures (I got a bit crazy on the last one), in part because trying to document a cosmically bad day is a bit like snapping a picture of vampire - dreadful in person, but impossible to capture on film. Obviously this doesn't apply to catastrophic events: natural disasters, war and like, but that's not what this post is about. This post is about the sort of the day that, like an astute and annoying younger sibling, knows exactly what secret buttons to push to unleash one's private hell.

Just as every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, it strikes me that misery is articulated differently, depending on location, even if the same person (e.g., me) is always its subject. In London, transport fiascos tend to get me down, while in Warsaw the very placeness of the city can sometimes make jumping off the top of the Palace of Culture seem reasonable. That and the lack of fresh mushrooms. I tend to be happier in Prague - I should like it, considering that the topic on which I've chosen to write my thesis requires that I spend a fair bit of time here. Still, today Prague delivered a knock-out punch of annoyance that couldn't have occurred anywhere else. Today was not, therefore, a bad day but a genuine špatný den. I am not v pohodě, though I'll admit (grudgingly) that tomorrow everything may be v pořádku.

So what actually occurred?

The day began well enough - the sun was shining, if a bit less fiercely than yesterday. All was fine until I reached the metro, where a text from Warsaw informed me that I would need to vacate the flat in which I've been staying sooner than anticipated. Like tomorrow sooner. Cue manic search for alternate accommodation which immediately threw the day's schedule for a loop. Unfortunately I had one appointment I had to keep, with my doctor at the Canadian Medical Centre. I'd spoken to them twice on the phone to confirm the appointment and, accordingly, schlepped halfway to the airport to Veleslavin, crossed a massive building site and made it on time, only to be informed that the appointment had been made with the wrong doctor and I'd have to come back - tomorrow.

I went back into town and headed for the Municipal Library to do some work, where my computer, after working perfectly the day before, refused to speak the internet. I needed to make some calls for work, so headed for Vinohrady, where I ended up in a dodgy internet cafe on Americká that was full of smoke and slightly scary men speaking Russian. Calls completed, I headed for a celebratory beer at Meduza, my favorite Prague cafe, only to find that it had closed. Today was the first day it was not operational. The sign on the door said something about the owner desiring to sell the building and/or refusing to renew the lease.

This is where it began to feel personal.

Meduza's real estate fiasco echoed my own accommodation search, both of which plugged into the Prague Real Estate Curse, a major narrative thread of my personal mythology, which has its origins in last November, when my landlady did to myself and Mr. P precisely what Meduza's had done to them. Since then, I've been on a Kafka-esque quest for sensibly priced, pleasant and reliable accommodation, the unavailability of which has been tremendously annoying and disruptive to the work I'm allegedly meant to be doing here. Meduza's eviction also set off a reactionary, anti-capitalist righteous-foreigner-in-Prague streak in me of which I am not particularly proud. It drives me nuts when long-term expats become enraged by Bio potravinys, the Body Shop and Starbucks, as if it's their responsibility - and right - to determine another country's policy towards foreign businesses and capitalism in general. But Meduza was so great. And there are already two bio-cafes on Belgická street, where it's located. It's also, I should disclose, where Mr. P and I shared our first glass of wine. But, I digress...

Still reeling from the Meduza debacle, I made for one of the bio-cafes (I know...) and ordered tea. I've had Czech lessons in there repeatedly and no one has ever spoken English to me (apart from once, to explain something very complicated involving a radiator that would melt the table if I did not keep it a certain distance away). My stunned/sad expression from earlier events must have been misinterpreted as "stupid foreigner" because EVERYONE was addressing me in English. This only made me miss Meduza more, as that would never have happened there. I tend to massively underestimate my language skills, but even I know that if I can explain my thesis topic to a librarian at the Theatre Institute and order tickets by phone in Czech, then I am certainly capable of ordering a bio-tea. The fact that I now react with anger, instead of tremendous linguistic insecurity, in such circumstances is, I feel, a clear demonstration of progress...but I digress again...

Going back to the original theme, - the geographic specificity of annoyance - this sort of pique couldn't happen in Warsaw. Even if my default coffee/lunch/dancing spot, Nowy Wspanialy Swiet, ceased to exist, I know I won't be back in Warsaw regularly enough for it to effect me, whereas I'd hoped to be drinking Svijany in Meduza till I died (possibly of the secondhand smoke). Nor would the language problem occur since, unlike Czech, the Polish language and I are not (to borrow a phrase from a Czech colleague) "friendly". To cap things off nicely, the Prague-specific piece de resistance occurred just an hour ago, as I was leaving Flora, the shopping centre closest to my current abode.

One of the companies that I study is headed by an extremely talented and thoughtful individual who is brilliant in the way that strikes a respect-driven fear into my heart. I've been following his work for years and only recently spoke with him, briefly, for the first time. I was waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street when I noticed him standing two people away. What was he doing in Žižkov? How in god's name had we ended up at the same pedestrian crossing on a day so bad that there was no way I could possibly say or do the right thing. Or anything at all, as it turned out. Totally at a loss, I stood there, clutching my bag of cleaning supplies and Easter egg dye, and grinned like an idiot. He smiled back, briefly, before crossing the street without waiting for the light to change. He may have had had to be somewhere urgently, but I suspect it was fear of the lunatic that motivated him. Dear god. Random real-life run-ins were not covered in my PhD seminar on research methodology.

I am now safely locked up for the night with several DVDs and left over stir-fry, any thoughts of venturing across town to the penultimate night of Febio-fest forgotten. It's just too dangerous - the way I'm going, I'd only trip over Václav Havel or fall into the Vltava anyway.

Notes from a reluctant kitchen...

Confession: I hate food writing. In undergrad, I took a creative non-fiction writing course, during the course of which we were required to read and attempt different genres. I loathed the food segment, during which we were force-fed Amanda Hesser's insipid (to my mind anyway) Cooking For Mr. Latte, and encouraged to send food-related "dispatches" from our fall break travels. At its worst, food writing makes me nauseous. I love a good restaurant review (this one, by the delightfully acerbic A. A. Gill in this month's Vanity Fair is a gem), but I can't stomach the actual description of food itself. I've been like this since childhood - a description of french fries in Ramona Cleary, Age 8 actually made me gag. Food writing repels me in a way that echoes the revulsion I feel flipping through the love scenes of a Harlequin romance (not a regular activity, to be fair, though my late great aunt was a devotee) or when listening to undergraduates attempting to "understand" T. S. Eliot. Some experiences, eating among them, are too sensual to reduce to prose.

Far better to just provide pictures, which is the method I've chosen to share with you several Polish-themed food adventures we have recently undertaken in the Flat of Doom. What catalysed this sudden culinary activity? Essentially, we've become a bit sick of eating out and, since attempting to grocery shop the way we would in the UK (fresh bunches of coriander from the Asian grocery store purchased on a twice-weekly basis, a significant Waitrose habit, really good bread), we thought we'd go (a bit) native and see what happened. Before beginning, I should express my thanks to the Bomi Delicatessan, aka War-trose, for providing a happier shopping experience than Dirty Carrefour and consistently stocking mushrooms, the lack of which had really been getting us down:

Our first attempt took place last Friday and was not a terribly high-brow meal, being comprised mainly of pierogies and hotdogs. Accordingly, we lit candles and banned all condiment jars/bottles/etc. from the table:

We rescued the pierogies from the freezer, to which Paul had relegated them while I was in Prague. I'd bought them during one of our first Warsaw grocery shops, since they rekindled fond memories of undergrad and a certain Mrs. T...

As will be evident from the above photo-collage (diky, photovisi), the amusement factor of the meal was significantly elevated by the inclusion of these sensible, if slightly rude-looking hot dog rolls.

Yesterday, I embarked on a new adventure, this time alone. I decided I felt like cake, and that it was therefore time to investigate the baking aisle. As each country's flour is a law unto itself, I decided to cheat by using a mix. I chose lemon cake, since my body, possibly in an attempt to ward of what feels like inevitable scurvy, has been craving all things citrus. Also because I could understand the directions.

Here are the ingredients I assembled. Note the semi-terrifying long-life milk and scary baking margarine, which I am nevertheless extremely proud to have properly identified.

And here is the (not terribly glamorous) result:

.

Slightly burned, though still tasty. I shall not elaborate, as that would stray into food-writing territory. I will, however admit that, while it's been fun, and may doubtless continue, I'm quite pleased to be putting the Polish culinary experimentation on hold tonight in favor of dinner at Frida.

Inauspicious Monday

It's really hard to cheer yourself up in Warsaw. I learned this today when I woke surprisingly in need of cheering. I'm not sure what to attribute this to - the past four weeks have been a flurry of academic and grant-writing activity (hence the lack of posts), but last Thursday I managed to meet an important thesis-related deadline, so I should be feeling quite good about the world. Still, this morning I awoke feeling tired and hopeless, despite the aggressive bright sunbeams streaming through my window, which caused me to go running for my sunglasses, having misplaced my sleeping mask. Paul found this amusing and promptly snapped a photo of me in this state - a photo which will NOT be turning up here under any circumstances.

Deciding I had earned some sort of horrible girly perk, I decided to get my nails done. This seemed particularly appropriate, as I had chewed on them maniacally while rewriting the thesis, an activity which did not leave them looking particularly lovely. I phoned two manicure salons, neither of which could give me an appointment today. Strike one.

Not to be daunted, I decided to vacate the Flat of Doom (just because I've stopped complaining about it doesn't mean the Warsaw abode and I are now simpatico) to do some work at the local cafe. My old laptop wouldn't talk to the wifi there, but I figured my new one would and I could stay there until early afternoon. Wrong again.

Facing the reality that I would have to return to the FoD earlier than anticipated, I decided to pick up some sushi. As the kitchen currently resembles the set of Withnail and I, not having to cross its threshold was a decided bonus. I surveyed the sushi options in Local Cafe and decided they were uninspiring enough to warrant a search for the take away sushi place Paul showed me a few weeks ago, but which I had yet to try. I set off in what I firmly believed was the right direction. It wasn't.

Cold (the sun was cruelly misleading), I turned back, consoling myself with the thought of the chicken noodle soup I'd bought last week. This being Poland, it was instant, but at least it would be warm and tasty. Alas, when I returned home and braved the kitchen, it transpired that I had purchased not soup, but some sort of bouillon, requiring a pre-existing vegetable stock. I thought I'd try it anyway, but couldn't get the stove to work (have I mentioned that the burners function only sporadically?), as a result of which I am now eating last night's leftover salad and with a mood that is worse than it was when I decided to improve it.

I've nothing else to say, really, so here is a picture of a squirrel from Lazienski Park...

It was wonderfully tame, but alas did not wish to eat any of the nuts we brought for it. Trying carrots and bread next time.

Fidlovačka, or No Tag and No Joy

In a week of milestones, which included my first completely successful Czech language phone call, last night was my first trip to a non-subtitled Czech play. I went to see Fidlovačka, aneb kde domov můj? at Divadlo na Vinohradech. Fidlovačka is a nineteenth-century Czech play by J. K. Tyl with music by František Škroup. It was first performed in 1834 when its nationalistic content and championing of the Czech language in a German-dominated cultural sphere caused quite a stir. The performance was banned for a time and Tyl considered it a failure. It was later resurrected and enjoyed great success, its greatest achievement being the adoption of the fourth act aria, “Where is my home?” as the Czech national anthem. The subtitle of the original production translates to “no anger and no brawl,” but the one playing at the Vinohrady Theatre invokes the national anthem and juxtaposes the original text and story with debates in EU Parliament concerning the adoption of an EU symbol, flag, and/or anthem. Impassioned debates about collective and national identity ensue. The Czech delegate is particularly outspoken – he is tremendously concerned with the preservation of Czech national identity and ends the first act with a rant concerning the importance haček, a diacritical mark that essentially ads an „h“ to Czech consonents (š is pronounced “sh”, for example). His final (hilarious) point was “Čapek neni Capek!” – a reference to the frequent mispronunciation of celebrated author Karel.

The performance was also remarkable for the appearance of the dignified and formidable Jířina Jirásková as Parliament chairwoman. Born in 1931, she’s performed at the Vinohrady theatre for an amazing sixty years. As always when I got to a “stone theatre” (read big, official) in the Czech Republic, I am struck by the sheer number of bodies on stage – there must have been thirty people on stage last night, about twenty of them playing Euro-MPs, lending credibility to the Parliament scenes and chiming on the songs as Tyl and Škroup’s text increasingly dominated proceedings in the second act. It makes me long to have been born in such a system, in which a career as a theatre actor is a reasonably attainable and financially viable goal in a way it just isn’t in countries that lack repertory systems.

The only hiccup in the evening was my interaction with the lady who ran the šatna – the coat room. When I checked my coat prior to the start of the play, she chided for me coat's lack of a tag that would facilitate hanging. Here it is, in all its barren glory:

I don't know what this is called in Czech (or even if there’s a specific English term) and I’m not up on my tailoring vocab, so I’m not sure if she was cross with me (admittedly in a pleasant, good humored way) for failing to sew one in, or with my beloved COS for failing to place one in the coat. As I waited for the play to begin, I couldn’t help wondering if there’s a correlation between a country’s degree of coat-check obsession and the occurrence of hang tags on locally available coats. My coat is manufactured by a Swedish label and I purchased it in the UK, where coat checking is nowhere near as common as it is in central eastern Europe, though I would think that there’d be a high incidence of it in Sweden, given the length and severity of the winters. Considering the Czech (and Polish) dedication to coat-checking (which I quite like, when I'm not getting in trouble), I wonder if a coat’s check-ability is considered when deciding which brands to import. Have I finally discovered why so many of my favorite labels have no foothold in the Czech market?

Unfortunately, my relationship with the keeper of the coats did not improve post-show, when my exit from the loge revealed the fact that I’d had the audacity to check my troublesome coat when there was ample space and coat-hooks in my box. I only realized this was what she said later, as I replayed it in my head…at the time, the surprise at being publicly dressed down over a hang-tag and my lack of suitable vocabulary for the situation conspired to render me mute and unresponsive. While it is now an amusing anecdote, the entire encounter makes me long for spring, when it will no longer be necessary to take a coat of any description along for a night at the theatre.

PS - Curiosity and a desire to avoid writing a conference paper on hybrid-form theatre has led me to explore the hang-tag issue further. I'm now back in Warsaw with the rest of my coats, which I have now surveyed, along with some of Mr P's. Coats and blazers with tags (by brand and nation of purchase): Wilson's Leather (US), Brooks Brothers (US), J. Crew (US), Zara (PL), Superdry (UK). The only other coat sans tag (apart from random vintage ones) is my black and white full-length Zara wrap coat, purchased, unlike Mr P's peacoat, in the UK, lending (admittedly inconclusive) credence to the theory that tags are added and subtracted according to market. Fascinating.

And you shall know her by her left ear….

Happy New Year! (How late is that still an acceptable way to begin a communication and/or to explain away with three words one's complete lack of productivity over a period of time which encompasses, but is not limited to, the festive season?)

This mid-January day finds me in Warsaw, where it is particularly January-some in the most depressing way: unrelieved grey skies coinciding with the uninspiring sight of dirty snow melting to reveal just how many cigarette butts, tram tickets and other discarded items were dropped in it over the past month. Nasty. At least the Christmas decorations have remained up, which ameliorates things somewhat. In praise of Poland, I must admit that it's lovely to be once more in a country where people do not believe that Christmas decorations left up past January 6^th transform magically into harbingers of doom and general bad luck. I'm not sure quite how widespread this belief is – I first encountered it in the UK, but I don't know where it originated. In my family, we tend to leave the decorations up for as long as possible, in part because my mother completely redecorates the house for Christmas – after so much work and creativity, it seems churlish to tear it all down immediately. Given the shortness of the days here (it's dark before 3.30pm), I'm glad the Poles share my mother's approach and have the left the lights on a bit longer:

The festive lights are of particular comfort to me on this week of bureaucratic tasks. I'm off to Prague for research-related adventures at the weekend, so have only this week to sort out visa-related hiccups. Thus far, I've been to get a medulnek (a sort of local residency permit, a bit like a Czech ubytování, which allows you to then get a visa) and to have my picture taken for my eventual visa. The picture-taking process has given this post its title: Polish official portraits require that you show your left ear, while your body is turned slightly to the right and your head tilted to precisely the right angle to display said ear, and the rest of your facial features, simultaneously. You can also smile, slightly, like this:

To get this image, the photographer and I communicated using my new system. The longer I'm here, the more I realize that I can actually understand the gist of basic conversations, provided I keep calm and don't start mentally hyperventilating the moment someone addresses me. In fact, it works best when I imagine that they're speaking to somebody else. This strategy dovetails nicely with my approach to making up for the fact that I don't actually speak Polish. In preparation for specific encounters (like the one with the photographer, or a trip to the drycleaner after I'd lost my claim ticket) I write down exactly what I need or what has happened, in Polish. Google Translate and/or Polish friends are very helpful in this regard. Upon reaching my destination, I explain, in Polish, that I do not speak Polish, and hand over the note. Assuming the person I'm speaking to doesn't speak English, I handle anything else that comes up with a combination of Czech verbs (most basic verbs are similar) and miming (I don't trust the nouns to overlap as much as the verbs do). So far, this seems to be working. I managed to communicate with the photography shop man quite effectively – I was even able to convey the fact that I'd left my hat in the shop's coat closet and needed him to retrieve it for me. I also find people respond better to this approach. I'm not sure why – perhaps it's better not to include English and, by doing so, imply that I expect them to speak it, or perhaps they actually think I'm from another Slavic country. I don't know. But so far, so good, in any case. The photo-fetching scenario had the hallmarks of a potential Polish disaster written all over it, but went down much better than Monday's attempt to reconnect the internet, which saw myself and Mr. P spend ninety minutes running maniacally back and forth between the post office and tp, with Polish friends on speed dial, clutching stacks of bills and receipts and trying neither to cry nor swear very loudly and at great length.

Now if only I could figure out what the notice taped to my building's door says…something about personal safety and the gas meter. Oh dear…Google Translate, here I come.